Paulie's pickles are the best pickles.

People close to me know I'm all about harping on the law of diminishing returns when it comes to buying stuff. "*Is the extra $100 for the deluxe widgetomatic really giving you an extra $100 of value?" "Can you taste the difference between regular and organic once you toss the onions in a stew? " *I'm happy to pay for quality, but having studied the producer side of the equation, know that pricing premium goods is a psychological game, and the odds are rarely in the consumer's favor.

I'm also not so big on superlatives, to the point of being a pedantic dick about it. It's not that I'm not sympathetic to your plight, but was today really the worst day of your life? That doesn't leave much bad-ness in reserve for the future.*

Today, it's time to buck these trends.

I saw this jar of pickled cucumbers while browsing Whole Foods, and the stark white spears (and $7.99 price tag) caught my eye. I'm normally a Claussen's guy, and have had disappointing experiences with TJ's and other store brands, but figured that I'd see what a high-class, overpriced organic pickle might be all about.

But…$8? $8? For pickles? Self-judgment abounded, but once that seed of a thought was there, it grew, and wouldn't be silenced. So I bought those $8 pickles.


THERE WAS NO DILL BEFORE THIS DILL. NO GARLIC BEFORE THIS GARLIC. Just look at the delicious sprigs floating around in there– it looks like a seaweed forest.


And the pickle itself?



Imagine the crispiest, freshest cucumber, but crispier, puckeringly sour and bathed in garlic. I could probably add more words here to try to better describe them, but I don't think it would add much – all I can say is that I was a different person after this jar than before. Crunching through that spear of glory, I knew that my life the whole existence of mankind has been for one purpose – to bring these pickles into the universe. Seriously.

Given the city's attitude toward the techie gentrification lately, I'm not sure this is the best time to be singing the praises of an $8 jar of pickles. But dammit, these praises need to be sung. I know I've had fancy pickles a few times before – some friends brought some hot and spicy something-or-others from New York, and Rosamunde sells some good ones with their sausages. None of them had anything on Paulie's. 

So go get some! Whole foods had the dill and garlic ones, and I learned today that Paulie's has their own store in bernal heights. These may be the most expensive cucumbers I've had, but if splurging on pickles is wrong, I don't want to be right.